So love is just like that. Like waiting for Christmas so damn anxiously to get your new pair of roller blades and then waiting for spring so you can finally use them and after tripping, stumbling and falling, you come to realize that nothing is going to be exactly as you imagined.
I remember picturing that day so perfectly, without any mistakes. I was seven years old, way too skinny and would dress up with whatever I found first in my closet, even though my mother insisted on those big bright red spring dresses but since I was going out skating I thought some baggy shorts and a blue t-shirt from my older brother might do the work.
My father and I scheduled that day through out all week. We planned it neatly. So the weekend came and we went out to the park to practice my new skating skills with my awesome new white and purple roller blades. It was a sunny day, the kind of day you get the chills from the heat of the sun touching your skin in combination with the smell of growing grass. The air felt so brand new after the shivering winter.
I remember holding my father’s chubby hands so tight while he was teaching me some basics.
“But I still don’t know how to take a U turn dad” I told him when he was planning on taking me to a bigger track with curves and U turns.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” – he said looking straight forward – ” you are a quick learner, believe me, you’ll be such a pro in a blink of an eye.” After he said that I blinked twice and looked down at my feet just to make sure if by any miracle I’ve already learned some pro skills.
We went round and round one of the easiest tracks, always holding hands.Then my father decided it was time to try a harder one, not before he promised he would never let go of my hand. Since he was my father, the man I trusted more in the whole world, I believed him.
I think that when you are little, the dimensions are completely exaggerated in comparison with the reality, so I found myself skating down a gigantic hill at a crazy fast speed and in order for me not to wind up in the middle of the street and being crashed by a car, I was going to have to make a U turn or to be rescued by an angel or fairy. It all moved so fast that I crashed into a structure that worked to set the limit between the track and the street. And there I was, lying on my back, all scared and disappointed. I trusted someone to hold me and he didn’t, instead he left me there to find out on my own what it was to fall down on your ass, get hurt and having to get up again in order to find out how to make a stupid U turn so you won’t end up smashed next time someone lets go.
I got up, with anger and courage, looked into my father’s hazel eyes and yelled: “You let go! you promised me not to!”, looking me with half a smile he answered
“Then that makes me the first man to ever break a promise to you. It makes me the first man who let you down. But it also makes me the first man and the only one on earth to love you so madly that he was willing to let you go so you can learn you don’t need me or anybody else to keep you safe. I am the first man that let you know that you’ve got what you need and what it takes to be big and happy and sufficient. I gave you the courage and the strength to stand up and yell at me. Now you know you are the only one who can keep you going. I guess trying the U turn now doesn’t sound so badly, huh?”
I didn’t know what to tell him, I didn’t even understand half the things he told me. But now I guess that’s just how love has been for me. Maybe it is how it’s supposed to be. You wait for it so badly, you create a huge illusion, beautiful expectations. Then when you get what you want, you go along, enjoy the ride, you trust but there’s a chance you might be left of in order for you to touch ground, feel the pain and wonder if it’s worth trying again and to learn what is it that you really need to make it through. And when you take the next step ahead you assure yourself you were actually born for it and in a blink of an eye you are such a pro that there’s no pain anymore. You are ready to make how many U turns as you need.
You just keep trying.
Published By Cyril P Abraham